May 4

Yesterday, May 4th was my dad's birthday. He's now been gone for 12 years. I still remember in NY when I found out that he had just passed away. My boss gave me a couple of weeks off. How different my world was back then... I had no idea where I'd be 12 years later.

Living here in San Francisco has been great. Having lived in NYC for 6 years, I was definitely ready to come back to California. I've made this my home, and I feel very planted with a group of friends that support who I am, without judgment.

However, lately, I've been starting to feel a bit impatient. Impatient isn't necessarily the right word, but more like anxious. It's augmented by my reaching my 38th birthday, realizing the my body is aging, day-by-day. Although I might say that I've never been healthier, I must say that I'm feeling a bit rushed from the fear of having too many things I'm interested in accomplishing in life, that I have not enough time for. Take for example, the piano. I probably practice about 30 minutes a day, and lately I've been working on a few complicated pieces. I would like to give a litte concert at one time, but with the rate I'm going, it won't be for a while. I'm been studying German, which I hope to get better at. I'd love living in another country before I get too settled in. I'd love to play chamber music. I'd love to go more than 2x/month to a concert and immerse myself with live classical music. I'd love to meet people who have passion over music and speak into the wee hours of the morning. I want to cook more traditional Japanese foods. I want to bake more cakes and pastries. I want to learn other cultures and viewpoints. I want to read, read and read more novels and history books. I want to swim across the English Channel. I want to go camping with Himi and someone special. I want to drive to the interior part of the US. I want to visit certain national parks. I want to seriously study music again. I want to go to these summer music festivals in Germany, Switzerland, France and Austria. I want to hear certain pianists perform live. I want to hear Brahms violin concerto in person, and just melt. Iwant to write my book. I want to write a sequel to Natsume Soseki's unfinished book. I want another dog. I want a family. I want, I want, I want...

And somehow, I feel like time is slipping away. I feel like I have lived to build a career. Now, I do have a career. Respected and secure. But I need to rethink how fulfilling it has been for me, and how I can enrich my life further. I feel that my career, which helped enrich my life, is no longer contributing to fufilling my life as it did before. I'm more confident and I'm less concerned about how others see me; however, I feel that I need to find what is the best way for me to fulfill my second half of my life. But this time, not my career being the anchor, but myself.